There’s an underlying consensus which casts a shadow on solo life. Regardless of how progressive one might claim to be, it usually doesn’t require much digging to reveal negative assumptions made. This is because misconceptions about single life and its purpose runs deep.

 In my opinion there are two fundamental truths which if recognized will guaranteed transform the single life narrative. This applies both to those who have made a conscious choice to remain single but even more so to the ones desiring a partner. If you can take what I’m about to present to heart it will flip the normative script and take the edge of. But before the big reveal it’s vital to get a bit of context.

Romantic relationships are highly regarded in society, culture, and in private life for most. We are all collectively hard wired with norms and expectations of how one’s love life should look and progress with little wiggle room to diverge. When we abide by norms, we rarely question them, in fact we might even pat ourselves on the back. It’s not until we get “off course” we and others begin to raise eyebrows and scramble to find the cause for not sticking to the socially accepted and praised storyline. It’s this particular dilemma many singles’ are trapped in especially for the long-term ones.

For long-term singles desiring a partner it’s quite a polarizing conundrum. Internally, there is a conflicting divide. One side is wishing for a romantic connection and the collective is pushing and cheering for it to happen. Yet on the other hand, a partner is a no show. The single is continuously standing alone. This will create an inner friction rearing its ugly head, causing distress and the conclusion of something being “wrong” either with oneself, present life or the assigned life path. But as humans, we are designed to restore inner equilibrium. The strategy one chooses to settle the battle can function as a personal crossroads. One track leading to numbness or denial and the other trail is heading towards a deepening understanding of life. The latter is in my opinion, the whole point of long-term singleness, but more on that shortly. 

Behind door number one are different ways of throwing a lid on the tension. One way to seemingly extinguish the fire is by conforming to the norm in the best way possible. A classic example is settling for the wrong person or for less than we deserve and voilá! the normative box is technically entered. Another quite common “solution” to cope with the discomfort is distraction. Most are able to bury their heads in the sand using anything, but common and socially acceptable go-tos’ are work, travel and social media. More obvious toxic escapism includes drinking, partying, smoking and so on. As you might tell these are all attempts to dodge the inevitable agony without true resolution. The burning question is: how does one get on the path in the opposite direction? 

Let me introduce the other option: habitually inquiring every little detail regarding romantic relations. Just to show how discreetly normative programming functions, I’ll demonstrate with a simple example. I’m sure many outwardly in today’s day and age would claim that being single or married are valued the same. I’ll place my bet on the contrary. Marriage is still automatically viewed more favorably than being single regardless of any other considerations. If a couple announces their silver wedding anniversary, they’d be greeted with praise and best wishes. The reaction would be slightly different for a single crossing the 25th mark of living solo. To add to it, I suspect many would ponder the cause or plausible explanations for the overdue dry spell.

The point is singleness doesn’t generate the same type of response or admiration as coupledom seems to do. Why not? It’s not because factually speaking, married life is more rewarding or beneficial. The difference in response results from ideas and conclusions made about civil statuses. Being partnered up or single stand on different grounds, but the real question is: are they on solid or shaky grounds?

In my experience, life is mechanically shoving involuntary long-term/lifelong singles onto detective work with the sole purpose of dismantling norms and programming down to their core. The landscape of our mental realm is a wide and complex web filled with hierarchical beliefs and a ton of information, links, conclusions, correlations, associations, assumptions etc. 

The point of putting the investigative cap on is to detect errors and faulty conclusions about what we automatically operate from without blinking an eye. A vital part of examining that which is normalized, is the ability to actively disprove and provide counter arguments and exceptions to the rule. So, if you haven’t yet, it might be time to start digging, scavenging around and stubbornly challenge normative claims to unveil the nature of collective programming. 

When the long-term/lifelong single puts their investigative cap on and place all beliefs about romantic relations under the loop, it’s crucial to examine every single detail, one by one and follow the paper trail until the end point. The destination of the belief labyrinth is the blueprint of the mental sphere. The blueprint contains foundational pillars which filter and shape our reality at a core level. It’s from the blueprint all beliefs are born from. Shifting the blueprint is powerful because it will cause a ripple effect and transform the entire cognitive web and therefore the perception of reality. You’ll know you’ve reached this point by the sigh of relief and ease once the preinstalled blueprint belief is re-programmed. If resistance shows up that means you haven’t reached the root yet!

It’s two of these blueprint statements I wish to share about singleness which completely flips the single life experience, in the present and onwards but it also alters the past because it’s now seen through a new lens.  

The first truth is:

Long-term/lifelong singleness is the best-case scenario for those who live it. Singleness is never a coincidence, nothing is “wrong” or ever was.  

The second truth is:

Life is always on our side. Regardless of how things may appear, everything is exactly how it should be. The mind is not advanced enough to foresee the full picture, but life does. 

The disadvantage of these reveals is the temporary effect it’s likely to have for involuntary long-term or lifelong singles. The only way for a core belief to crystallize and be experienced fully in life is through the nitty gritty cognitive investigations. There are no shortcuts to the blueprint. However, the good news is if you’re in the line of fire with the desire at one end versus the single reality on the other side, the resonance you hopefully feel is a sign of the alignment of the two opposing sides. It’s a longed for peace between the internal and external, melting into a united front.