In the last post I describe three types of singles, two of these are the inbetweener and involuntary single (don’t know these terms? Read “Three types of single, which one are you?” ). My number one advice for every involuntary single is to take themselves out of the dating market and not return until they’re officially an inbetweener. A true inbetweener accepts that forever singleness is a plausible faith, couplehood no guarantee and knowing they’ll live a meaningful life either way.
My experience with unhappy/ involuntary singles’ is that they’re more compelled to chase down a relationship rather than focusing on inner work and reaching the “inbetween”state. Because of this, I’ll usually have to counter with statements motivating the involuntary single to consciously want to become an inbetweener and put the active search to the side (with clients that is). So here are only four arguments (all interlinked) I use to lure the involuntary single into inbetweeness before putting themselves out there.
1. You won’t be malleable
When you’re an inbetweener you won’t trade in yourself, your wishes or needs for a potential partner. Obviously when in relation to others we need to make compromises at times but never if it’s against core values, needs or wants. The inner trust and stability in who the inbetweener is will be solid and not easily jeopardized. When you feel inner stress or desperation to hook up with someone, it’s more likely to put yourself on the back burner for the “wish” of a relationship. The worst cases of involuntary singleness is self abandonment, which can look like extreme adaptability and shape shifting based on others.
2. You’ll know what you want
I’ve also noted that inbetweeners usually have a solid idea of what they are looking for. This is usually confused by the outside audience as being picky. I beg to differ, I’d say it’s being selective. Huge difference. This is the result of no interest in sight being preferred to the wrong type interest and a refusal to lower the bar. Involuntary singles tend to put the focus on a potential relationship rather than the quality of one which affects the standards. This may lead to dissatisfying arrangements, adjustments/sacrifices to the other party (losing/denying oneself) or struggling to leave what doesn’t hit the mark behind.
Let’s face it, navigating through the dating sea full of the confused, deluded, nice, wishy washy, attractive, bruised and outright crazy (yup, I said it) can be exhausting. The inbetweeners are usually better equipped and prept for what I’d call the dating madness. This includes: discerning good from bad, sniffing redflags early on and having low tolerance for unacceptable behavior. The selection process in the search for a potential partner is more effective, focusing on quality interactions and saving themselves a bunch of energy. This is also the outcome of living a satisfying single life; interactions that don’t cut it has to go. Not the same can be said for the involuntary single unfortunately. Usually the driving force for a partner is so strong (too strong) it’ll have a blinding effect to warning signals, more likeliness to hold on to false hope or keeping all doors open out of fear of missing out on “the one”. The route for inbetweeners is more straightforward in a sense, while the involuntaries’ road is filled with detours and sidetracking.
Putting yourself out there is a vulnerable place to be in (way more than given credit for). Part of the dating terrain is the inevitable rejections, disappointments, ghosting and other negative emotions that come with the territory. As an inbetweener regulating negative emotions, attributing negative circumstances appropriately and bouncing back from setbacks is usually a smoother process in comparison to the involuntary singles. Involuny singles tend to react to the downside of dating by pointing the finger towards themselves or their value. This is not only painful but generally an inaccurate evaluation of the situation, based on flawed premises.
By the time I’m done pleading my case the involuntary single is usually on board. Not due my preaching, but the recognition factor being high. Living as an inbetweener is fulfilling in itself with the improvements in the dating experience being the byproduct. If you happen to live as an involuntary single, I hope I’ve convinced you to join the inbetweener club before putting yourself out there 🙂