Most singles will receive comments and opinions about their solo lifestyle routinely. “How come you’re still single?”, “isn’t it time to settle down?”, “have you met anyone interesting recently?”. These are all questions to be expected. Whether it be at family gatherings, during catch ups with the girls or even by random strangers at parties. The line of inquiry might derive from innocent curiosity, to seek entertainment or to get acquainted with another. Nevertheless, the underlying implication on the receiving end, is that your life could use some improvement.
Questions and remarks regarding not being hitched are one thing which can cause a spectrum of reactions, ranging from indifference to distress. However, in my opinion, the whole ordeal is kicked up a notch when the topic of children comes up. Parents (and not all of them) tend to “preach” about offspring to the childfree choir. Custom commentary includes: “my children are the best thing that ever happened to me” (a pretty standard statement), “just wait until you become a parent” (not a given) and “of course you want to have children one day” (extra common around singles on the fence or downright don’t want any). But there is one line which truly takes the cake. The good old: “you’ll regret it if you don’t have children”.
I’ve heard that I’ll regret not having babies from all sorts of directions. Friends, acquaintances, older generations (!), and complete strangers. Funnily enough, could you guess who I’ve never heard this remark from? Those who don’t have children. I would think if anyone were to blur out such a thing it should be them. You might say “well they don’t know what they are missing out on”. This is true. But the exact same could be said about people who do have children. They too, are unaware of what they’re missing out on due to parenthood. The point isn’t to turn this into a pie throwing competition, only to highlight that the topic of regret and children could be considered a two-way street.
Why is it said?
I’m convinced many genuinely feel led by concern or care when sharing their view. It’s understandable why those who’ve chosen the parenting lifestyle would imagine a sense of regret if they didn’t have their children. And based on this premise, they draw the same conclusion onto others. It’s a simple case of projection by comparing their life with children to a hypothetical world without them. So, they’re not in actuality commenting on the childfree single’s potential future remorse. They’re indirectly pointing out their own theoretical regret.
With that being said, I do suspect we have people connecting the supposed dots between regret and childlessness as a self-defense strategy. Having children is widely assumed as a given. Many have children because it’s what’s expected at a certain life stage, it’s a no brainer so to speak. How many of us haven’t heard “children are the meaning of life”. It’s standard programming carried. When childfree individuals stroll along and contradict the socially expected way to live, it can challenge people’s worldview and personal choices. It’s as if the childfree are casting light on alternative ways to live. The realization of other options can trigger insecurities in the form of “what ifs” and the grass is greener syndrome. One strategy to restore inner peace is by justification. So, the comment is not actually instructing the childfree in anyway, it’s a disguised defense. Another attempt to reduce the dissonance is by eliminating the reminder of such. Basically, the infamous line is designed to push the childfree into joining the club, giving reassurance and validation.
Personally, I struggle figuring out any positive outcome when mentioning regret and kids. For those who don’t care to have children, it’s overstepping a boundary. And for those who do want children but with no prospects, it’s adding salt to the wound.
There is a bright side.
Allow me to reveal something about the “you’ll regret not having children” statement. Whether it’s said from a goodhearted place or not, your reaction is yours and yours only. To make the most of the situation observe the reaction within you (if you have any).
It can be tempting to clap back, reply with a snarky remark or have it ruin your time. Whatever the comment sparks in you, brush it off and move on for the time being. While the situation is taking place, aim to glaze over it politely and make a mental note so you can investigate it later in peace. Once alone, ask yourself what you’re feeling. Name the emotion. Is it anger? Insult? Sadness? Etc. What underlying beliefs are causing your reaction? What are you assuming to be true for the reaction to ignite? Dig deep so you get to the bottom of what’s triggering you. You’ll be done with the process once you sense the inner tension subside. When the introspection is completed, only then, is the time to decide if it’s appropriate to have a sit down with the messenger of the remark or not. For some it might deem necessary and for others it won’t. The important part is to approach it from an untriggered and emotionally neutral stance.
Hearing “you’ll regret not having children” can feel like a sting. Yet at the same time it contains potential for greater self-understanding and healing. Which you deserve.
Nouseibah 
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