Why work (is it inspiration or resistance)?

I was woken up at 5 a.m by a youtube automatic playlist clip (no I did not switch off my phone before bed) with Sadhguru, a spiritual teacher/guru. I’m not one of his followers, it’s just what Youtibe decided to interrupt my sleep with (no offense to him I’m just drawn to other sources). He was explaining the significance of  age 33. Well since my 33rd year on this planet is slowly coming to an end I’m assuming this was an intentional move by Youtube. Anyway, according to Sadhguru, 33 is a crucial point in life. Depending on how we’ve lived up til the 33rd mark and during it, our life will either flourish and propel forward successfully or crumble down and be a constant uphill battle.

This wasn’t the uplifting message I desperately sought to hear. Honestly, it had the opposite effect and put me in slight panic mode (I was newly awake which does tend to make me more emotionally reactive). According to him, the next point in life where you get a similar chance as a woman is by age 46 (!). I couldn’t help but feel “Damn it, I missed the boat!

Internally I know I’m on track more than ever and have actively taken steps to move towards a life which authentically represents me. But externally it’s looking pretty stagnant, so is this a clue that my life is about to hit the fan? The anxiety creeping in led to a strong energy boost and urge  to act so I can save this ship from sinking. I need to write more, hone in more clients and members to the circles, network like crazy and so on. To summarize it became apparent that my solution to this stress response was to invest a bunch of energy to shove my life in the right direction, it’s now or never!

When morning hit reasonable hours, I packed my bag containing laptop, green tea and diary and headed out the door to the library for some work. But can you guess what I sensed? A big fat “NO”. I was tired and not particularly inspired to work. My response to the anxiety activated was old residues from past beliefs viewing work as pushing through forcefully whether you like it or not, it’s the way to live and only option  if you wish to be successful.

I refuse to play that game. Where I dedicate my time and energy needs to steam from a feeling of wanting and choosing to do so, not as a form of anxiety or resistance reduction (working only for a paycheck falls under this category). If my tank isn’t full, which in other words means I’m lacking the energy or inspiration, I won’t do whatever it is I “should do”. Instead,  I’m turning the tables and focusing on what fuels me first. This includes: eating right, resting when I need to, being very selective with  what I watch, read,  the people I interact with, the activities I engage in (yes this includes work wise) and so on. If it boosts my energy, great! If not, it’ll simply have to wait. 

Once filled up,  I trust that the upgraded version of myself will know what appropriate measures to take. I have enough flexibility with writing so I can put that off if I need to. But with clients and circles booked in I can’t cancel whenever energy is running low. It’s all about preventative efforts and making sure my fuel tank is filled all the way to the top when it’s time for business. Only then does working feel meaningful and become a preference rather than struggle. 

I’ve decided to commit to this fundamental structure change within and I hope it will contribute to my successful and smooth future life or minimally, cushion the downfall. 

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