Today, we’re tackling an uncomfortable but necessary topic: desperation.
Who doesn’t love a desperate woman? (Spoiler: no one.) I’ve had my fair share of desperado moments—so much so, I borderline made it a full-time job. To kick things off, let me share a true story.
The Heat Is On
Around the age of 30, social pressures to “settle down” hit a peak. For singles, this phase can feel like a boiling point, with engagements, weddings, and baby announcements flooding every social channel.
For me, the pressure led to some cringeworthy choices. I rushed headlong into the dating scene, swiping for dear life and dedicating two days a week to dates, regardless of whether I was interested. Why? To “catch up” with my peers.
The driving force behind my erratic behavior? It wasn’t trust or ease. It was full-blown desperation.
Sure, my frenzy of dating produced entertaining stories, like the time a date in actualiy was me feeding a homeless man—or when I got stuck on an island with a nutcase. Deep down, I knew these experiences weren’t leading to anything meaningful.
What is desperation in dating?
No one likes the smell of desperation—especially in dating. The odor can be sensed from miles away, chasing off anyone with real substance. But what exactly is desperation in dating?
Here’s my definition:
Desperation is a massive energy leak—emotionally, mentally, and physically—caused by an acute unfulfilled need, imagined to only be satisfied by a romantic partner.
In the context of dating, desperation convinces us that our sense of fulfilment hinges on finding a partner. This mindset is a one-way ticket to poor decisions, unhealthy patterns, and exhaustion. Let’s break it down:
The anatomy of desperation
Emotional Desperation
Desperation on an emotional level is often rooted in neediness, powerlessness, and shame. Shame is usually the dominant emotion steering the ship. It whispers messages like: “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unlovable”, “I’m being left behind” etc.
In this state, we don’t seek partners for connection or joy; we seek them to extinguish shame. Desperation lowers our standards and opens the floodgates to the wrong people. And here’s the kicker: desperation makes it impossible to present our authentic selves. Instead, we offer a distorted, codependent version of who we are—a shaky foundation for any relationship.
Mental Desperation
Mentally, desperation manifests as obsessive thoughts and idealization. We place relationships on a pedestal while downgrading our current life circumstances. This mindset creates unrealistic expectations, like seeing someone through rose-tinted glasses or overanalyzing texts to an absurd degree. Desperation hijacks our brains, turning molehills into mountains and potential partners into saviors.
Physical Desperation
Desperation feels like stress trapped in the body. For me, it’s a clutching in the chest, like waiting at a red light when I’m in a hurry. It’s tense, urgent, and restless.
This physical unease mirrors the emotional and mental chaos, leaving no room for peace or trust in the process of finding love.
Do you need help transforming desperation into empowerment so you can move closer to true love? Try single coaching. Fist session is always free so we can discover if/how I can help. Read more about single coaching here.
Where Does The Road of Desperation Lead?
Desperation isn’t sustainable. It’s an energy-intensive state, and eventually, you’ll hit a wall. This moment—let’s call it defeat—is the acknowledgement that you are pouring more than you can afford into an empty void.
Once you hit defeat, you’re left with three options:
- Repeat the cycle: Get back on the horse and keep chasing, only to return to the spot.
- Retreat permanently: Decide that dating isn’t worth the pain and swear it off entirely.
- Redirect your energy: Shift focus to areas of your life that genuinely nurture and fulfill you.
Spoiler: The third option is where liberation lies.
Breaking Free from Desperation
Here’s the truth: desperation is addictive. It lures us in with promises of connection, but it leaves us drained and disappointed. The antidote? Retreat and redirect. How?
Step 1: Acknowledge Desperation
The first step is admitting you’re desperate. No shame here—everyone has experienced desperation in some form. The trademark of desperation is repeating the same patterns and getting the same draining results.
(If you’re unsure if you’d classify as desperate, ask a trusted friend for an honest assessment of your dating behavior).
Step 2: Recognize the Signs
Familiarize yourself with how desperation feels:
- Emotionally (neediness, shame)
- Mentally (obsessive thoughts, fantasizing)
- Physically (stress, urgency)
The more you understand desperation, the easier it becomes to catch it before it takes over.
Step 3: Invest in Yourself
Pause all dating! Then redirect your energy towards unexplored areas of life. Invest in hobbies, spend time with loved ones, and most importantly: embrace novel experiences. Why? Novelty pulls us into the present moment—the opposite of desperation’s chaotic pull.
Step 4: Prioritize Peace
The more you invest your precious energy in things and activities which brings inner peace, the less appealing the desperation’s cycle becomes. Over time, you’ll notice the urge to “get back out there”, fading.
Famous Last Words
Desperation is tough love in disguise. It teaches us two crucial lessons:
- To reclaim our energy: By redirecting focus from external validation to internal growth.
- To let go of what doesn’t serve us: Prioritizing peace over fruitless pursuits
When you break free from desperation, you’ll find yourself renewed. Instead of chasing love, you’ll create space for it to find you—on your own terms.
So, here’s to letting go of the frantic goose chase and embracing calm, trust, and self-reliance. The journey starts with you.
Nouseibah
Singles’ coach
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