Happy birthday to me (traveling solo and breaking old patterns)

 I’m unable to count the amount of times I’ve begun to type on my blog only to delete it. Mainly, I’ve had a feeling of being a phony if I were to post photos of picturesque nature landscapes or of myself with a wide smile enjoying life. I’ve captured plenty of images on camera and I’m sure I’ll share those in the future. The reason I’ve been reluctant to write blog posts as if it’s ‘business as usual’ is because there was an unexpected plot twist during my time in Australia. I spent the first seven months as a 32 year old in Australia, a time I would describe as quite eventful, internally. The remaining 5 months were spent at home being introspective and recharging from my time abroad..

When I set out for a second year I thought it would have the same structure or feel as my first year. My first year was all about freedom, stretching inner boundaries, relaxing, trying out new jobs, meeting new people and all the other cliché stuff that comes with traveling solo. Though my second year started off in the same manner as my first, all that quickly faded into the background and my experience became more personal and not as lighthearted as I presumed. So what decided to roll up and hijack my experience? Well, I managed to identify three main themes that overtook : a sense of powerlessness, rejection and abandonment. Fun stuff, am I right? And the best part was being 14 000 km from home, far away from my primary social network and all I call safety (I’m trying out sarcasm). 

In retrospect all I recall is the chaos of my emotions and the exhaustion that came with it. While this was happening I barely had time to really sit down and process it all. It was like one experience would spark the next. Obviously there were good times and laughs in between but that’s not what stands out among all events when I look back. It wasn’t until I returned home that I could truly exhale, relax and gather myself together. I don’t want to make it appear as if it was a horrible time or that anything went “wrong”. That’s not the case at all! I am aware of all the benefits and the purpose of my experiences. Might sound crazy but the situations I found myself in were a sort of reenactment of past traumas and/or emotional wounds I hadn’t yet attended to. Having to face situations that triggered the hell out of me, while painful in the moment, have turned out to be golden chances for me to become aware, heal and finally let go of patterns that don’t serve me so that I can move on to better things. Might sound all hippy dippy but I’m convinced that’s the reason for it.

I might write more in depth and describe the details surrounding the three themes or not. If I do so, it won’t be to point fingers or blame anyone. There are behaviours that I don’t agree with of some involved, but that’s besides the point. It’s all my own subjective experience and how I decided to proceed. For now, I just wanted to get it off my chest as a way to end my 32nd year on this planet. I’m excited to see what’s next and hope year 33 has good things in store, cheeeers!

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