Romantic relationships can be a beautiful union, yet it’s important to have realistic, down to earth kind of outlook on them. All lifestyles can be described in a dualistic fashion, there are always:  pros and cons, sacrifices and gains, challenging and heartwarming moments etc. However, for some singles civil status becomes a black or white ordeal with domestic partnerships hoarding all the positive traits while leaving the rest for single life. This unfortunate attitude places romantic relationships on a pedestal making it seemingly better, more exclusive, beneficial etc. This unfortunate stance, steams from society and cultures presenting romantic partnerships in such a way and catering to them. When solos agree and confirm to the idea of the pedestal it can have destructive results. I’d like to point out four side effects of putting romantic relationships on a pedestal.

1. It downgrades the single life experience 

The apparent side effect of raising romantic relationships to a pedestal is that it automatically downgrades the single life experience. In other words, the pedestal has a tendency to sneak in and dampen the single experiences to different degrees by suggesting it’s somehow inferior or less than.  

Being coupled up or single are not on different levels ranked in relation to each other. We’re talking about apples and oranges or different seasons. Gazing upwards to the pedestal will lead to a perception of life (or an area life) as being at a standstill. Another expression might be having laser focus on the prize or on a constant climbing mission.

But single life is not restricted to sitting around or rolling one’s thumbs for a partner nor is it designed to be a constant hunt for a significant other.  Life stagnation or darting in only one direction will sadly leave great life potential missed. Single life serves a purpose too so get creative , dream big and don’t waste your life force in hopes for the grass to be greener.

2. Lowers the odds of forming authentic relationships

Putting romantic relationships on a pedestal lowers the odds of finding true love connections. The pedestal phenomena suggests to the single that there must be a personal inadequacy at play, why else would they be positioned at a lower level? The “inadequacy” will come as a steady flow of emotions such as unworthiness, shame, rejection and desperation. So, what’s the natural thing to do? Seek validation, of course. This sets the stage for a vulnerable and most likely catastrophic dating experience. The need to get a “foot up” and be approved will lead to: cloudy judgments, overlooking red flags and compatibility issues, a disproportionate fear of missing out (becoming too available) or holding on to wrong or toxic people. IT will guaranteed not be a joyful ride and it’s all because a romantic relationship or prospects of such, is on some level regarded as an “upgrade”. 

3. It enables personal access to pleasurable emotions

Many raise romantic relationships on a pedestal because that’s what we’ve been taught it represents. Love, connection, warmth, comfort etc. are all lovely sensations but they are not, exclusive to or dependent on, being partnered up. They’re all rising from within and therefore also accessible to singles. The pedestal completely wipes our personal power away making it seem a partner is the key.

If you’re not able to access all the goods yourself or find that you often return to the belief that a partner will solve it all, it’s high time develop the ability to access what you need solo. This will automatically adjust and even the ground between partnerships and single life. And just to be clear, this doesn’t magically transform singleness to an around the clock exciting life. What’s aimed for is steady contentment. 

4. It can hijack the identity (keeping one stuck in a negative loop)

In my experience, those putting romantic relationships at a soaring hight are the same individuals who have become accustomed to sprinkles or crumbs of love. Emotional starvation or unfulfillment has become the standard. Thanks, to society, many genuinely believe a partner is the ultimate representation of love and there for the solution to their problem. A partner becomes a symbol 24/7 supply or access to something seemingly missing. As you might imagine this is an unsustainable inaccurate perception of love. Yet it can spiral into a chronic part of a person’s identity. Signs that romantic relationships have hijacked an identity is the repetition of phrases such as “I’m always rejected” “nobody loves/wants me”, “I’m always going to be alone (said with a negative connotation)” etc. 

The issue with this sort of identification is that it continually perpetuates and strengthens itself. The mechanics of identification operate by sifting through information and sliding through all which validate it by placing such information at the forefront while blocking all information which disconfirm it. 

Identity is not a static phenomenon but a set of habitual programming which are malleable and changeable. One way to curb automatic programming is by a) recognizing it and b) disengaging with it. This means that the inner dialogue with the emotions attached with it doesn’t need to disappear. Simply observing what occurs mentally while opening up to all emotions which surface. As soon as we allow or even invite the negative emotions and let them pass through, the identification will stop being recycled. 

As you might notice the pedestal can lead to multiple negative side effects. By flattening the “ couple experience” status and making it equally as valid as single life, inner peace will be the result.